[ hello sousei, how are you, how are you feeling, how's the weather, is tenka still missing, have you been eating right, something something i just had an x-ray-- ]
you went on one of those tours didnt you
[ --ah, no, nevermind. straight to the point, she knows how he is, answer the question. ]
[ well. kind of, it is. but if he did find something of use, she's sure he'd-- tell her, maybe, or at the very least do something of use with that information. so that's not the concern.
the concern is him running into something on ceres's terms, though really this entire place is run on ceres's terms, and the first thing on her mind is: ]
[??? "That's not why i'm asking no, it is why i'm asking"????
Look, he's pretty good at reading people, but not that. And of course, there's the fact that right now Sousei is basically a human disaster, so he's not doing so great at reading anything...
He's had better weeks, let's put it that way.]
we were immediately dumped into a maze and treated like lab rats. we weren't in any position or state to find out anything useful.
[Since that's why she's asking
He still has no useful information for her, people who are made suddenly blind and deaf usually have other problems.]
[ .... the part of her saying she's overreacting, that it's okay melts away very suddenly. because of course, this is ceres, of course, and they've never acted like someone wouldn't get hurt.
she's also a bit (very) upset at herself that she had absolutely no idea this was happening. anger, disappointment, some bit of fear. what a splendid combination.
she doesn't even know what to say, her fingers freezing over the screen for a second. this isn't a glitch, or some kind of "hehe mistake". this was, perhaps, ceres showing just how messed up she figured they were. ]
are you all right
[ that feels like the dumbest question she's ever asked. ]
He's been saying "I'm fine" "I'm fine" "I'm fine" so much lately, he feels. Tenka's gone, "I'm fine". There are kids to look after, and he was never meant for that sort of thing, "I'm fine". And now this--
Really, picking fights with people should have been his first clue that he wasn't fine, not really, but he'd always been stubborn and a little slow to see what was right in front of his face, at least, when he didn't want to see it.
He can't seem to bring himself to type out those words, and certainly not to Milla, who has proven to be surprisingly courageous when it comes to dealing with the things that hurt, the emotional things that Sousei's really not sure how to handle himself. And the words he does type out are careful, letters picked out one by one.]
I'm not hurt.
[It's the truest statement he could give right now, he thinks.]
[ ... she realizes something at that point, maybe. she'd had a habit of being overly dependent, in some ways--leaning on muzét, leaning on elle, leaning on sousei. sousei was absolutely a human worthy of her respect, and his inner fortitude left her almost jealous at times. how he could look forward without faltering, how he could take things as they were and continue without any fumbling, how he knew what to say. all of it was just very unlike her.
and she feels stupid, because he's as human as the rest of them.
he doesn't say he's all right. that's absolutely all she needs. ]
youre an idiot|
[ no. well, he is--so is she. they're idiots who don't know how to handle things in an okay way. bottle things up for later. even when their pillars were gone and they're off doing things that they really shouldn't.
she erases that, slowly. thinks about what to say.
comes up with nothing. ]
come over
[ you need to talk. but it's not just as simple as talking, because that kind of thing is hard. she's a hypocrite, telling him that. ]
[He wonders why he's so surprised by the response.
He shouldn't be, he thinks. Isn't that just...classically Milla? He's a little out of sorts, yes, but not so much that he can't tell that she's trying to make him feel better. And there's a part of him that fights that, because he doesn't want to be made to feel better, and he doesn't want people thinking that he needs their help, and--
And Kiiko would call him an idiot for it, and Takamine would scoff and wonder why their captain was so stupid sometimes, and Ashiya would give him that Look. The Yamainu aren't here, but that doesn't mean that he can't remember them, and right now, they would think that he was being utterly ridiculous.
He gets a huffed breath out of him, a mixture of amusement and frustration.]
fine. [Fine. If she wants him to come over, maybe that's fine; besides, won't cooking make her feel better as well? It's always been a way for Milla to do something she enjoys and focus less on the things that are hard, he's aware of that much.
Who's he to stand in the way of that?
It's with wry humor, but some humor nonetheless, that he responds.]
i told you once about meals that are more familiar to me. do you know how to make something like that yet?
[It'd been awhile, and honestly, he'd be surprised if she remembered, but...nonetheless, in this moment, it feels very right.
(And maybe she does know how to make it, and what then Sousei? What if she calls your bluff?)]
she wouldn't tell him about the fact she's searched up recipes. the surprising familiarity she's had with some dishes, others... not so much, but she's tried. there's been failures and successes and-- some things in between, one dish she's unsure about sitting in the fridge as it soaks up flavor. to be honest, she's a little unsure about it, mostly because she's never tried it.
but all she really needs to do is heat it up. it's a stew, and this isn't about distracting herself with ingredients and cutting boards and. everything. she doesn't know if it's what he's used to, but it's japanese. it-- doesn't have chicken in it. it has fish. and it is served alongside rice... she thinks. isn't that what he said he was used to?
mainly, this is all to push down that front of i'm fine.
so, she types the easiest thing she's typed in this entire conversation: ]
i have some oden i was preparing. and some karashi that its apparently supposed to be served with. no wasabi. how's that?
[ milla honestly has no idea if karashi falls under "flavor he does not like" like wasabi does, but. she'll make something else if that's the case, or if he's not familiar with this.
[He blinks down at the text for a long, long moment.
Oden. Karashi. No wasabi.
There's no way for her to know, naturally, that karashi is his favorite, but then there it is. She made it anyway, and he doesn't know what to think of it.
She called his bluff (and why has she made all of this? Is that what friends do? If so, he's been a rather remiss friend.).
He sighs, because there's no way he can get out of this now, and honestly...? He doesn't want to. He doesn't have to take care of Milla in Tenka's absence like the others. There'd be no sense of gloom.]
i'm on my way
[He gets up, and he starts to walk, because there's no point in second guessing it now, and honestly--well karashi is his favorite flavor.]
well, no, she doesn't know that yet. theoretically it's fine. but that's something, so she gets to preparing the rice and getting out the clay pot from the fridge, opening the lid as she places it on the stove. konnyaku, fish cakes, fish balls, bean curd, carrot, daikon, dried seaweed--there's so much in there that she has no idea how this is going to turn out, but it's fine.
it isn't like she'd been particularly preparing this for him (though, in some ways, she had--because he's the one that put the idea into her head that she should get familiar with japanese food, and in some ways he's the reason that she continued doing so), but now she is.
milla keeps busy as she waits, and when sousei makes it to her door, she'll open it after remembering to hide that cookbook on japanese food she'd left laying on the table. ]
In fact, he leaves immediately, tucking his CereVice away without another word on the matter. He's dressed casually (he's running out of clothes, actually, especially after the Cake Batter incident), but otherwise his appearance is as kept as ever. He doesn't have the time to be sloppy, after all.
It takes him a little bit to get there, of course, but when he does he knocks simply, and when she lets him in, he blinks; it smells--well, it smells a lot like home.]
... Good afternoon. [ahem, yes, politeness, they can do the politeness thing, maybe.
it's... not surprising, really, that even though she knows he's not doing well he still very much acts like he is, and if she didn't have that nagging her in the back of her head she'd think this was just him coming over as he always had, lightheartedly (also, she's relieved he didn't show up missing an arm).
but at least they're still well enough to be awkward and. polite, in his case. she reminds herself what the point of this is.
[No missing arms. No injuries at all, honestly; they got lucky, Sousei knows. They were rather helpless as they were, with two blind and two deaf people stuck like rats in a maze, but...
There were no monsters. There were no guards. Just them and their own incompetence.
It does grate a little, even so. So he obeys her quietly (for once), taking a seat easily enough; while he doesn't spend a lot of time at Milla's apartment, he has spent time there before, more so when his floor is being unbelievably rowdy than anything.
At least the familiarity makes the silence a little less awkward (a little).]
Very well then. [A pause...and she doesn't look hurt at all, she looks just fine, and it confirms what he suspected.] You did not go on any of those tours, then.
[ there's no need to linger in the kitchen when all she's making is rice and reheating the stew, so she takes her spot beside him, still unsure how to go about this. the conversation moves back to the tour and she's grateful, in a way, that she won't have to fumble with her uncertainty in bringing that back up--but it also means she's left to think about the fact that she wasn't there, she had no idea, and sousei's worse off than she thought.
and she should think about that, so maybe there's nothing bad in this after all. besides the obvious. ]
One that I thought you would've made. [ ... ] In the end, it was probably just luck.
[ she admits. though the more appropriate thing is, perhaps, hoped he would've made. she can't be surprised that he didn't, because he's sousei. and maybe if they weren't under new management she would've come along. yet there was new, she finds herself wishing maybe they were back under vincere (lesser of two evils), instead of some granny who (very luckily) dangled a very dangerous offer in front of her and made it very apparent that she knew way more than she should. and so she didn't go.
she trusts ceres even less now.
milla's gaze falls to the table. ]
... But that also meant I wasn't able to help.
[ that she had no idea about what sousei went through. ]
[It's the choice that he should've made, and he can admit that much (in the privacy of his own mind, at least). He was reckless. He wanted information about what had happened to Tenka, and about this place, and wanted to feel less helpless.
And it yielded...what? Practically nothing.
Danger for basically no gain at all, at the bidding of a shadowy organization that has their own profit in mind. Why does that sound just so familiar? It tastes bitter on his tongue, and even the delicious smells from the kitchen can't overpower that.]
No, you made the correct decision. It is better that you were not also there.
[He folds his arms, crossing them slowly and solemnly. It's not like this is an easy admittance for anyone, but...]
We weren't helpless due to our skill or lack of it. The scenario had been laid out, and there was nothing we could do about it. Having more people there would have simply meant more people to be placed in the same situation.
[And he wouldn't wish that feeling of helplessness on Milla in a million years--he's happier that she was safe, if nothing else. Because goodness knows Sousei's not used to feeling completely helpless himself, and yet...
Well, he's getting a crash course in it lately, isn't he?]
[ the correct decision. and so, sousei thinks he's made the wrong one, and he's admitting that quite clearly. hindsight is 20/20.
the inevitability in his words isn't an easy thing to hear. nothing they could do, more people just meant more being helpless. sousei himself was helpless, and she can only imagine how that must've-- how that must still feel for him. they were all helpless, really, at the moment--very little knowledge, very little... of a lot of things, so perhaps it was silly of her to think that she may have been able to help somehow.
at least ceres is being clear with how they are now.
but it also makes things clearer for her. that they can't make mistakes, they can't leave things to deal with later, in a way that harms them later. that they can't just deal with this entire thing alone. ]
... That's not something that's easy to live through. [ that's putting it lightly. she knows her fair share of helplessness. hanging above a pit, onto a lifeline that meant someone she cared about getting hurt, being completely unable to do anything. absolutely no other choice but to die, in the end, when she made her way to the prime dimension... but even then, that wasn't quite the same. a maze, as lab rats. being unable to do anything. in the end, finding nothing of use. she thinks that might be worse.
looking clearly at sousei then, she talks again. ]
If I hadn't asked, would you have told me anything?
[The question hits like a well-aimed punch, honestly. Would he have told her, if she hadn't asked? Part of him thinks that there's a high probability that he wouldn't have.
But she's looking at him so frankly, and that doesn't seem like enough of an answer.
He's frustrated even now. The frustration hasn't abated at all, really; not since Tenka's disappearance, and the bad decisions have just piled on since then. The fights he got into, the spars he goaded people into--even the way he dealt with this entire mess. It's been... one bad decision after another.
He meets her eyes, and then his lips quirk, more of a wry grimace than a smile, faint at the expression is, and this time he drops his gaze first.]
No, I wouldn't have. It wouldn't be the first bad decision I've made this month.
[Because...it's a good thing that he's here. It's a good thing that she's forcing him to talk. As wry as he feels right now, he can at least acknowledge that he feels a little less like there's that weight on his chest, even if he still feels entirely drawn thin.
Whatever this is...it is helping, a little. He's not so proud that he can't admit when he's made a mistake.]
what a shocker. she's not sure what she feels about hearing that. disappointment? an ah, i knew it kind of revelation? of course he wouldn't tell her. she wouldn't have told him, probably, maybe. and she's familiar enough with the concept with muzét, though that situation was... wholly different.
yet there's still a small sink in her chest at the words, prepared as she was for the response--but there's also a small bit of relief there, too, that he's admitted that at least. friends. they were friends. she's not sure if "friends" meant she had to drag him here to talk, ask him questions and make him do it, or if he was supposed to do that on his own-- but he's talking, and that's progress.
she leans back in her chair. the words she'd typed, erased previously come to the front of her mind, and with only a pause she lets them out. ]
You really are an idiot, aren't you.
[ it doesn't hold the weight of an insult, but she says it as a truth nonetheless. it wouldn't be the first bad decision this month. he hasn't been okay. but he's mentioned nothing.
and milla's sitting here ( this entire mess of emotions feeling familiar ) pretending she knows how to deal with it... which she doesn't. she wasn't sure how to handle helplessness then, she's not sure how to handle it and the emotions it brings now, and she's not sure what to tell sousei about it.
he's troublesome. he's aggravating. frustrating, worrying, in a way that makes her wonder why she ever agreed to be his friend.
( she knows, of course. the number of times he's been there for her. when he told her not to apologize for the life she lived. she's his friend because he's somehow capable and incapable of taking care of himself, yet he still supports others. ) ]
... If you ignore it, it doesn't go away. [ she knows. a moment of uncharacteristic hesitation, and then: ] I said you could depend on me if you needed it. If you won't, I'll make it a note that I'm going to have to force you to.
[ she'll do this again. she hopes she won't need to, but sousei needs to talk. she's not the best person for it, she's more than aware of that, but he's the one that told her that talking might help, back when she admitted what her fate was.
troublesome. aggravating. frustrating. it's her luck that one of her first friends would be a headache like this. ]
[An idiot... Yes, he supposes he might be. Sousei's expression does a few complicated shifts at that, minute as they are, before it finally settles on wry amusement. An idiot..... Honestly.]
Well... That may be true.
[It's not like he has the right to argue with her right now. There are still bruises, if faded, from where he got into that fistfight with Hawke, and the spar that was a bit too rough with Shinpachi, and he knows that he's not his proper self. He feels stretched and too tightly wound, as though at some point he'll unravel entirely.
And then what?
He has a duty to take care of the people who had been under Tenka's care. He has to return to Japan to defend the country from the Orochi. There are so many things he has to do here, and Milla--
When did he start causing her this much trouble? (And when did she get this determined over his well-being?)]
...Is that so? You'll force me to? [... ha. Honestly? He wouldn't want to cross her. He's never seen her so certain in herself as she is now.] Then... in the future I will try not to make you do so, though I make no promises.
[He's honestly not very good at this confiding thing, even with Tenka, and he knows it. But...he can try. And if he fails, she'll make him, won't she? What a deal.]
[ he makes no promises, of course he doesn't. but he doesn't fight it, and she's said her intentions, and he's ( kind of ) agreed with her incredibly truthful observation. okay. there's not quite relief there, and she's still worried ( why? ), yet perhaps some of that tenseness she's feeling melts away.
she was tense?
a blink, as she realizes that. it delays her next words to him, prefaced by her gaze shifting from sousei to the side, and the rush of confidence she'd gotten from this need to have him to talk leaves her. to think she'd get this worked up over it, you'd think she was on a spyrix mission or something... ]
... Good.
[ good. though it doesn't carry the force her other words did, it's still there.
... ah, what now-- ]
I'll get the food, and you can tell me what other bad decisions you made.
[ good.
this gives her time to run off and think about what she's saying as she moves as casually as she can into the kitchen, to set the table and just... friendship.
things were so much simpler when he was just testing soup for her and she was just walking away from him in vivid while she wondered if he even had feelings. ]
[He watches her, a little more present, a little less out of it. If nothing else, her insistence has shaken him a little more...awake, as if he was asleep, going through the motions and not quite aware of everything going on around him. But now he's come back to himself, and he's realizes that she's...
...She's acting very strange, isn't she? It was nice to see her confident like that, but not she looks sheepish, glancing away, and then she moves off to get the food and he blinks some more.
Ah.
Okay.
Admittedly, even if it came at the cost of his own desire to keep these things to himself, it was nice to see her to confident and certain. It's been awhile, he suspects, since she's been like that, but he thinks it's a way of being that suits her. Proud, with her head held tall, and with the certain knowledge that what she's doing is right. There's strength in that.
(Though in this case what she's doing is looking after him, and when he thinks about that, that entire odd rush of--what, fondness? acceptance?--disappearance and he frowns slightly, pursing his lips ever-so-mildly.)
What is he supposed to even do with that?
(Besides sit at the table and wait for her to come back and stop pondering when he caved so easily to what she told him to do.)
And he knows he's going to tell her, somehow, and it's all so strange. Stop thinking, Sousei, focus on the food, it's less troublesome that way.]
[ it's a bit until the table is set. rice, two medium bowls of oden, the karashi which was obviously the only reason sousei came, and-- some tea. milla doesn't say much (or look at much, really) until everything's done, taking her place again beside sousei as she places the cups down.
( the majority of her thoughts during that entire adventure had been something along the lines of: you were way forward, what is this?, how am i going to do something like this anyway??
why. )
she's made it this far, and the distractions are finished. the little worry she may have had about the food being acceptable is shoved aside for her frustration and confusion with herself, with sousei, with. ah, everything. ]
... There.
[ but. she's made it this far. ]
Hopefully it's not terrible.
[ whether she means the food or the things he's been up to, well, that can be debated. ]
[He's going to assume the food, because why would he ever want to talk about how terrible things have been hahahaha that's so funny.
Instead, he looks for chopsticks (this sort of food should be eaten with chopsticks....) but if he doesn't find them, he's learned how to wield a fork as well in Western-style dinner parties. Either way, he'll just focus on the food.]
Thank you for the meal.
[And he takes his first bite. And then the next and the next.
It...tastes like home too. It's delicious, naturally; he was expecting that. Milla's a very excellent cook. But...
He wasn't expecting the flood of nostalgia to come just from the smell and taste of a meal he could have had back home. It's been months now since he's been there, and...it's strange. He didn't realize how much he missed things until now, with Tenka gone, and the Yamainu absent, and Milla offering up his favorite foods and flavors. He has to focus solely on the food, so that he doesn't embarrass himself with any sort of wavering.]
text.
you went on one of those tours
didnt you
[ --ah, no, nevermind. straight to the point, she knows how he is, answer the question. ]
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WHAT TOUR........ HE DIDN'T GO ON ANY RIDICULOUSLY IMPAIRING AND EMBARRASSING TOUR.....]
yes, i did.
i didn't find out anything of use
1/2
thats not why im asking
[ well. kind of, it is. but if he did find something of use, she's sure he'd-- tell her, maybe, or at the very least do something of use with that information. so that's not the concern.
the concern is him running into something on ceres's terms, though really this entire place is run on ceres's terms, and the first thing on her mind is: ]
were you hur|
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backspace backspace backspace. he's probably fine, he's totally super fine. he's texting her, after all. ]
no, it is why i'm asking.
figures they wouldn't leave anything important laying around.
[ hello socializing god, it's me milla.
i still need you. ]
mind telling me what happened?
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Look, he's pretty good at reading people, but not that. And of course, there's the fact that right now Sousei is basically a human disaster, so he's not doing so great at reading anything...
He's had better weeks, let's put it that way.]
we were immediately dumped into a maze and treated like lab rats. we weren't in any position or state to find out anything useful.
[Since that's why she's asking
He still has no useful information for her, people who are made suddenly blind and deaf usually have other problems.]
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she's also a bit (very) upset at herself that she had absolutely no idea this was happening. anger, disappointment, some bit of fear. what a splendid combination.
she doesn't even know what to say, her fingers freezing over the screen for a second. this isn't a glitch, or some kind of "hehe mistake". this was, perhaps, ceres showing just how messed up she figured they were. ]
are you all right
[ that feels like the dumbest question she's ever asked. ]
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He's been saying "I'm fine" "I'm fine" "I'm fine" so much lately, he feels. Tenka's gone, "I'm fine". There are kids to look after, and he was never meant for that sort of thing, "I'm fine". And now this--
Really, picking fights with people should have been his first clue that he wasn't fine, not really, but he'd always been stubborn and a little slow to see what was right in front of his face, at least, when he didn't want to see it.
He can't seem to bring himself to type out those words, and certainly not to Milla, who has proven to be surprisingly courageous when it comes to dealing with the things that hurt, the emotional things that Sousei's really not sure how to handle himself. And the words he does type out are careful, letters picked out one by one.]
I'm not hurt.
[It's the truest statement he could give right now, he thinks.]
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and she feels stupid, because he's as human as the rest of them.
he doesn't say he's all right. that's absolutely all she needs. ]
youre an idiot|
[ no. well, he is--so is she. they're idiots who don't know how to handle things in an okay way. bottle things up for later. even when their pillars were gone and they're off doing things that they really shouldn't.
she erases that, slowly. thinks about what to say.
comes up with nothing. ]
come over
[ you need to talk. but it's not just as simple as talking, because that kind of thing is hard. she's a hypocrite, telling him that. ]
if you can
what do you want to eat
no subject
He shouldn't be, he thinks. Isn't that just...classically Milla? He's a little out of sorts, yes, but not so much that he can't tell that she's trying to make him feel better. And there's a part of him that fights that, because he doesn't want to be made to feel better, and he doesn't want people thinking that he needs their help, and--
And Kiiko would call him an idiot for it, and Takamine would scoff and wonder why their captain was so stupid sometimes, and Ashiya would give him that Look. The Yamainu aren't here, but that doesn't mean that he can't remember them, and right now, they would think that he was being utterly ridiculous.
He gets a huffed breath out of him, a mixture of amusement and frustration.]
fine. [Fine. If she wants him to come over, maybe that's fine; besides, won't cooking make her feel better as well? It's always been a way for Milla to do something she enjoys and focus less on the things that are hard, he's aware of that much.
Who's he to stand in the way of that?
It's with wry humor, but some humor nonetheless, that he responds.]
i told you once about meals that are more familiar to me. do you know how to make something like that yet?
[It'd been awhile, and honestly, he'd be surprised if she remembered, but...nonetheless, in this moment, it feels very right.
(And maybe she does know how to make it, and what then Sousei? What if she calls your bluff?)]
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she wouldn't tell him about the fact she's searched up recipes. the surprising familiarity she's had with some dishes, others... not so much, but she's tried. there's been failures and successes and-- some things in between, one dish she's unsure about sitting in the fridge as it soaks up flavor. to be honest, she's a little unsure about it, mostly because she's never tried it.
but all she really needs to do is heat it up. it's a stew, and this isn't about distracting herself with ingredients and cutting boards and. everything. she doesn't know if it's what he's used to, but it's japanese. it-- doesn't have chicken in it. it has fish. and it is served alongside rice... she thinks. isn't that what he said he was used to?
mainly, this is all to push down that front of i'm fine.
so, she types the easiest thing she's typed in this entire conversation: ]
i have some oden i was preparing.
and some karashi that its apparently supposed to be served with. no wasabi. how's that?
[ milla honestly has no idea if karashi falls under "flavor he does not like" like wasabi does, but. she'll make something else if that's the case, or if he's not familiar with this.
this is all so they can both stop being idiots.
fine. ]
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Oden. Karashi. No wasabi.
There's no way for her to know, naturally, that karashi is his favorite, but then there it is. She made it anyway, and he doesn't know what to think of it.
She called his bluff (and why has she made all of this? Is that what friends do? If so, he's been a rather remiss friend.).
He sighs, because there's no way he can get out of this now, and honestly...? He doesn't want to. He doesn't have to take care of Milla in Tenka's absence like the others. There'd be no sense of gloom.]
i'm on my way
[He gets up, and he starts to walk, because there's no point in second guessing it now, and honestly--well karashi is his favorite flavor.]
no subject
[ so, it's fine.
well, no, she doesn't know that yet. theoretically it's fine. but that's something, so she gets to preparing the rice and getting out the clay pot from the fridge, opening the lid as she places it on the stove. konnyaku, fish cakes, fish balls, bean curd, carrot, daikon, dried seaweed--there's so much in there that she has no idea how this is going to turn out, but it's fine.
it isn't like she'd been particularly preparing this for him (though, in some ways, she had--because he's the one that put the idea into her head that she should get familiar with japanese food, and in some ways he's the reason that she continued doing so), but now she is.
milla keeps busy as she waits, and when sousei makes it to her door, she'll open it after remembering to hide that cookbook on japanese food she'd left laying on the table. ]
no subject
In fact, he leaves immediately, tucking his CereVice away without another word on the matter. He's dressed casually (he's running out of clothes, actually, especially after the Cake Batter incident), but otherwise his appearance is as kept as ever. He doesn't have the time to be sloppy, after all.
It takes him a little bit to get there, of course, but when he does he knocks simply, and when she lets him in, he blinks; it smells--well, it smells a lot like home.]
... Good afternoon. [ahem, yes, politeness, they can do the politeness thing, maybe.
Conversation is hard.]
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it's... not surprising, really, that even though she knows he's not doing well he still very much acts like he is, and if she didn't have that nagging her in the back of her head she'd think this was just him coming over as he always had, lightheartedly (also, she's relieved he didn't show up missing an arm).
but at least they're still well enough to be awkward and. polite, in his case. she reminds herself what the point of this is.
when did she become a do-gooder? ]
... Hey.
[ yep. conversation is indeed still hard. ]
Sit down. It'll be done soon.
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There were no monsters. There were no guards. Just them and their own incompetence.
It does grate a little, even so. So he obeys her quietly (for once), taking a seat easily enough; while he doesn't spend a lot of time at Milla's apartment, he has spent time there before, more so when his floor is being unbelievably rowdy than anything.
At least the familiarity makes the silence a little less awkward (a little).]
Very well then. [A pause...and she doesn't look hurt at all, she looks just fine, and it confirms what he suspected.] You did not go on any of those tours, then.
[His lips quirk slightly, wry.]
A sensible choice.
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and she should think about that, so maybe there's nothing bad in this after all. besides the obvious. ]
One that I thought you would've made. [ ... ] In the end, it was probably just luck.
[ she admits. though the more appropriate thing is, perhaps, hoped he would've made. she can't be surprised that he didn't, because he's sousei. and maybe if they weren't under new management she would've come along. yet there was new, she finds herself wishing maybe they were back under vincere (lesser of two evils), instead of some granny who (very luckily) dangled a very dangerous offer in front of her and made it very apparent that she knew way more than she should. and so she didn't go.
she trusts ceres even less now.
milla's gaze falls to the table. ]
... But that also meant I wasn't able to help.
[ that she had no idea about what sousei went through. ]
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And it yielded...what? Practically nothing.
Danger for basically no gain at all, at the bidding of a shadowy organization that has their own profit in mind. Why does that sound just so familiar? It tastes bitter on his tongue, and even the delicious smells from the kitchen can't overpower that.]
No, you made the correct decision. It is better that you were not also there.
[He folds his arms, crossing them slowly and solemnly. It's not like this is an easy admittance for anyone, but...]
We weren't helpless due to our skill or lack of it. The scenario had been laid out, and there was nothing we could do about it. Having more people there would have simply meant more people to be placed in the same situation.
[And he wouldn't wish that feeling of helplessness on Milla in a million years--he's happier that she was safe, if nothing else. Because goodness knows Sousei's not used to feeling completely helpless himself, and yet...
Well, he's getting a crash course in it lately, isn't he?]
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the inevitability in his words isn't an easy thing to hear. nothing they could do, more people just meant more being helpless. sousei himself was helpless, and she can only imagine how that must've-- how that must still feel for him. they were all helpless, really, at the moment--very little knowledge, very little... of a lot of things, so perhaps it was silly of her to think that she may have been able to help somehow.
at least ceres is being clear with how they are now.
but it also makes things clearer for her. that they can't make mistakes, they can't leave things to deal with later, in a way that harms them later. that they can't just deal with this entire thing alone. ]
... That's not something that's easy to live through. [ that's putting it lightly. she knows her fair share of helplessness. hanging above a pit, onto a lifeline that meant someone she cared about getting hurt, being completely unable to do anything. absolutely no other choice but to die, in the end, when she made her way to the prime dimension... but even then, that wasn't quite the same. a maze, as lab rats. being unable to do anything. in the end, finding nothing of use. she thinks that might be worse.
looking clearly at sousei then, she talks again. ]
If I hadn't asked, would you have told me anything?
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But she's looking at him so frankly, and that doesn't seem like enough of an answer.
He's frustrated even now. The frustration hasn't abated at all, really; not since Tenka's disappearance, and the bad decisions have just piled on since then. The fights he got into, the spars he goaded people into--even the way he dealt with this entire mess. It's been... one bad decision after another.
He meets her eyes, and then his lips quirk, more of a wry grimace than a smile, faint at the expression is, and this time he drops his gaze first.]
No, I wouldn't have. It wouldn't be the first bad decision I've made this month.
[Because...it's a good thing that he's here. It's a good thing that she's forcing him to talk. As wry as he feels right now, he can at least acknowledge that he feels a little less like there's that weight on his chest, even if he still feels entirely drawn thin.
Whatever this is...it is helping, a little. He's not so proud that he can't admit when he's made a mistake.]
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what a shocker. she's not sure what she feels about hearing that. disappointment? an ah, i knew it kind of revelation? of course he wouldn't tell her. she wouldn't have told him, probably, maybe. and she's familiar enough with the concept with muzét, though that situation was... wholly different.
yet there's still a small sink in her chest at the words, prepared as she was for the response--but there's also a small bit of relief there, too, that he's admitted that at least. friends. they were friends. she's not sure if "friends" meant she had to drag him here to talk, ask him questions and make him do it, or if he was supposed to do that on his own-- but he's talking, and that's progress.
she leans back in her chair. the words she'd typed, erased previously come to the front of her mind, and with only a pause she lets them out. ]
You really are an idiot, aren't you.
[ it doesn't hold the weight of an insult, but she says it as a truth nonetheless. it wouldn't be the first bad decision this month. he hasn't been okay. but he's mentioned nothing.
and milla's sitting here ( this entire mess of emotions feeling familiar ) pretending she knows how to deal with it... which she doesn't. she wasn't sure how to handle helplessness then, she's not sure how to handle it and the emotions it brings now, and she's not sure what to tell sousei about it.
he's troublesome. he's aggravating. frustrating, worrying, in a way that makes her wonder why she ever agreed to be his friend.
( she knows, of course. the number of times he's been there for her. when he told her not to apologize for the life she lived. she's his friend because he's somehow capable and incapable of taking care of himself, yet he still supports others. ) ]
... If you ignore it, it doesn't go away. [ she knows. a moment of uncharacteristic hesitation, and then: ] I said you could depend on me if you needed it. If you won't, I'll make it a note that I'm going to have to force you to.
[ she'll do this again. she hopes she won't need to, but sousei needs to talk. she's not the best person for it, she's more than aware of that, but he's the one that told her that talking might help, back when she admitted what her fate was.
troublesome. aggravating. frustrating. it's her luck that one of her first friends would be a headache like this. ]
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Well... That may be true.
[It's not like he has the right to argue with her right now. There are still bruises, if faded, from where he got into that fistfight with Hawke, and the spar that was a bit too rough with Shinpachi, and he knows that he's not his proper self. He feels stretched and too tightly wound, as though at some point he'll unravel entirely.
And then what?
He has a duty to take care of the people who had been under Tenka's care. He has to return to Japan to defend the country from the Orochi. There are so many things he has to do here, and Milla--
When did he start causing her this much trouble? (And when did she get this determined over his well-being?)]
...Is that so? You'll force me to? [... ha. Honestly? He wouldn't want to cross her. He's never seen her so certain in herself as she is now.] Then... in the future I will try not to make you do so, though I make no promises.
[He's honestly not very good at this confiding thing, even with Tenka, and he knows it. But...he can try. And if he fails, she'll make him, won't she? What a deal.]
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she was tense?
a blink, as she realizes that. it delays her next words to him, prefaced by her gaze shifting from sousei to the side, and the rush of confidence she'd gotten from this need to have him to talk leaves her. to think she'd get this worked up over it, you'd think she was on a spyrix mission or something... ]
... Good.
[ good. though it doesn't carry the force her other words did, it's still there.
... ah, what now-- ]
I'll get the food, and you can tell me what other bad decisions you made.
[ good.
this gives her time to run off and think about what she's saying as she moves as casually as she can into the kitchen, to set the table and just... friendship.
things were so much simpler when he was just testing soup for her and she was just walking away from him in vivid while she wondered if he even had feelings. ]
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...She's acting very strange, isn't she? It was nice to see her confident like that, but not she looks sheepish, glancing away, and then she moves off to get the food and he blinks some more.
Ah.
Okay.
Admittedly, even if it came at the cost of his own desire to keep these things to himself, it was nice to see her to confident and certain. It's been awhile, he suspects, since she's been like that, but he thinks it's a way of being that suits her. Proud, with her head held tall, and with the certain knowledge that what she's doing is right. There's strength in that.
(Though in this case what she's doing is looking after him, and when he thinks about that, that entire odd rush of--what, fondness? acceptance?--disappearance and he frowns slightly, pursing his lips ever-so-mildly.)
What is he supposed to even do with that?
(Besides sit at the table and wait for her to come back and stop pondering when he caved so easily to what she told him to do.)
And he knows he's going to tell her, somehow, and it's all so strange. Stop thinking, Sousei, focus on the food, it's less troublesome that way.]
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( the majority of her thoughts during that entire adventure had been something along the lines of: you were way forward, what is this?, how am i going to do something like this anyway??
why. )
she's made it this far, and the distractions are finished. the little worry she may have had about the food being acceptable is shoved aside for her frustration and confusion with herself, with sousei, with. ah, everything. ]
... There.
[ but. she's made it this far. ]
Hopefully it's not terrible.
[ whether she means the food or the things he's been up to, well, that can be debated. ]
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Instead, he looks for chopsticks (this sort of food should be eaten with chopsticks....) but if he doesn't find them, he's learned how to wield a fork as well in Western-style dinner parties. Either way, he'll just focus on the food.]
Thank you for the meal.
[And he takes his first bite. And then the next and the next.
It...tastes like home too. It's delicious, naturally; he was expecting that. Milla's a very excellent cook. But...
He wasn't expecting the flood of nostalgia to come just from the smell and taste of a meal he could have had back home. It's been months now since he's been there, and...it's strange. He didn't realize how much he missed things until now, with Tenka gone, and the Yamainu absent, and Milla offering up his favorite foods and flavors. He has to focus solely on the food, so that he doesn't embarrass himself with any sort of wavering.]
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