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that sounds worse than i meant

[.....what.]

what

[no seriously, what? Supposed to kill him? ~~are you cheating on his death pact with another Abe???~~]

what are you talking about

[~~stop making this gay~~]

long story

can i tell you when i find you again

[~~it's just true okay~~

there's a pause at that, though, before finally the text comes through--]

fine. we'll meet at the apartment.

[since there's no guarantee they're even in the same virtual world...]

ok

[And that's that. Normally Tenka doesn't respond with short messages like that, but he's honestly not looking forward to this conversation.

Eventually though, he makes it back to their place and siiiiiighs.]

Soouuuseeeiiiii, is there tea?

[He's assuming if he dragged his feet to get back, which he did, Sousei probably got there first.]

[He did drag his feet, enough that Sousei was considering texting him again...but there he finally is, and Sousei frowns at the sigh and the whine that grates on his nerves--and sets the cups on the table with a thud.

Sit.]

Yes.

[Quite frankly and shortly. He sure doesn't look happy.

Now sit and talk.]

[Why are you so grumpy, wow, that's not exactly stuff that makes him want to talk.

But now Tenka is sitting.

And taking the tea and nodding his thanks.

And sipping.

And sipping.

And sipping.

Watch him attempt to drain the cup before he starts talking.]

Tenka.

[He's not messing around here, okay. He sets his own glass down firmly, meeting Tenka's eyes.]

What were you talking about before?

[ . . . you couldn't just let him finish his drink, could you. Regardless, Tenka finishes his incredibly long sip then and sighs as he places down his own cup. He straightens his posture, squaring his shoulders as he faces a topic that will most likely lead to his partner getting mad at him.]

You saw the state I was in when we got here.

[Still a little scaly, ready to collapse at any second, weak without medicine.]

According to the doctors, I was at my limit with the Orochi medicine. I could've snapped at any second.

[Did snap a few times, underground and chained against the wall, held down by multiple people all at once. But there are still things that Sousei doesn't need to know, Tenka thinks.]

Snapped.

[The word is said flatly, no intonation whatsoever, and shortly. Snapped...as the orochi. Snapped in a way that would require that someone was on standby to kill him?

That's all Sousei says.

Because he doesn't like the conclusions he's drawing, and he's still willing to give Tenka the chance to tell him that that's not the case (even as he has the sinking feeling it is).]

[Tenka doesn't have much to say in response to that.

He remembers his vision clouding over, already injuring the people who were trying to examine him further. But when they let him out, he could still walk in the daylight and help people. So he kept taking the medicine, because just staying in an underground prison waiting only for the next time he'd be on the examination table-

That wasn't the life he wanted.

So he doesn't say anything.

He just smiles weakly.

He really didn't want to talk about this at all.]

[So it really would have been...that. Tenka would have become a mindless monster, just like the Orochi. He would have become that negativity.

Humanity's enemy.

All due to these experiments, all because of a corrupt official using these disgusting things to his own ends.

Sousei's silent for a long moment, hands clenched into fists on his thighs, the only real acknowledgement about how upset he really is about this.]

... I see.

[They'd gone back to the pattern of being partners, exploring things about this world and just coexisting together seamlessly, that Tenka had almost forgotten that whenever he sees Sousei go numb like this, it's always his fault.

What a reminder.

Still though, he just sighs because he doesn't think this is a sad story, even now. What would he have done without the Orochi medicine? He wouldn't have been able to take care of his brothers or even let the Yamainu abandon him without remorse - he wouldn't have been able to help anyone.

So he just reaches across the table and waves a hand in front of Sousei's face, head tilting slightly.]

Hey.

I'm still me.

I'm okay [~~for~~] now.

[He hears the "for now", even if Tenka doesn't intend for him to. Because he's done his research too. He's been working really hard to come up with a way to save Soramaru. He asked Kiiko to look into the wonder drug--and he knows a lot about that as well.

The hand in front of his face gets him to glance at Tenka properly, but...his expression just goes a little flatter.]

You are. And you will stay that way. [If it's the last thing he does--he'll make sure Tenka is still Tenka, in the end.]

[The fact that Sousei's expression doesn't look any more at ease is something that bothers Tenka. On his face, it might read to others as annoyance but this is nothing but concern. So he snaps his fingers in front of Sousei's face, trying to get his attention again by being annoying. That tends to work.]

I will.

[He'll live as a Kumou until the end. He will be okay until the end. He tilts his head.]

... So why don't you look any happier about it?

["Because I don't believe you".

That's harsh, isn't it? But it's the truth. He can't believe that Tenka's not going to just go get himself killed again--this time by mistakes made years ago. He can't be certain that Tenka isn't going to disappear from his life.

Because he's not happier, and platitudes here are not going to make him happier.

But he just closes his eyes for a moment, and then lifts his chin.]

I will reserve the right to celebrate when it is apt, and not a moment sooner. [When the Orochi is dead, and when Soramaru is safe, and when Tenka is still alive then--

Then he'll look happier.]

[He hears the words that come out of Sousei's mouth and rearranges them into something else that he thinks is closer to the truth: Will you still be alright when the battle is over?

The funny thing is that Tenka doesn't know. He tilts his head before shaking it and his left hand reaches out for the tea cup that he had set down. Without the medicine, he wouldn't have even been able to do this much. This world knows it - there were packets of the medicine and its stabilizer waiting for him when he arrived in this apartment.

But he doesn't say that, instead choosing to take a drink.

Then he snorts and breaks out into a grin.]

Have a little faith in me, partner.

...You have always asked a lot.

[Of Sousei, anyway. Ten years they spent apart, and then Tenka died, and then he came back and all of these lies and tragic falsehoods were brought to light and now Tenka tells him to have faith in him?

Now, after all of this?

It's hard. He has no guarantees that Tenka won't disappear and shatter that flimsy faith again.]

Fine. [That was always going to be his answer, though; there had never been any other option.] I will put my faith in those words. In that title.

[In Tenka--again.]

[ . . . It's a cutting answer, whether Sousei intended it to be or not. The surprise shows on Tenka's face, though he's come to have enough self-control around Sousei by now to keep the hurt from seeping through. Is it really that hard to believe in him?

Soramaru and Chuutarou had always believed in him entirely, but they were his little brothers and Tenka would do everything in his power to protect and guide them. Shirasu never truly questioned him when it counted either, but what did that mean when now apparently Shirasu betrayed their family and therefore Tenka? But Sousei is his partner, the one who he stands with on equal footing and can give Tenka the most direct and honest opinion possible. And that answer is that it's hard to believe in him.

Well, Tenka supposes he hasn't given him much reason to - ten years of separation and unhappy reunions taken into account.

Ah, what a sad soul he is, to have his own partner doubt him. But that's a negative well of emotion, something the Orochi would feast on, and isn't that exactly what Tenka is trying to avoid?

So his own personal brand of medicine shines through as he manages a laugh, weak as it is but he's never really allowed himself to be devoid of hope and energy. That's when he would truly lose, after all.

In exchange for Sousei's faith in him, Tenka will trade something else in exchange. A simple admittance.]

I still don't want to die, Sousei.

[And in turn, Sousei has always been bluntly honest with Tenka. He always had been as his right-hand man, and now he is as his partner, still, even after everything they've been through. There's so much that has changed. But that little important title has stayed the same, and so he supposes that that's what he's putting his faith in. The promise that comes along with "partners", and the promise that comes alongside Tenka's words--that he doesn't want to die.

Though...even now, he'll be honest, because while he appreciates that admittance, and he appreciates knowing that Tenka doesn't want to die, he doesn't think Tenka wanted to die before, either.

But this had all happened anyway. The tragedy had occurred regardless of what Tenka wanted--and Sousei knows that he played his own unwilling and unknowing part in it as well. He doesn't want assurance that Tenka doesn't want to die. He knows that. He wouldn't be here supporting him if he did want to die.

What he wants--]

I know. [...] In return, I will ask... [Does he even have the right to ask for this? If Tenka says "no", then are they really the partners they used to be? He's not sure, anymore.] ...for your honesty in the future.

[About everything--he's tired of Tenka hiding things. He's tired of finding out in the worst possible way, in the end. He'll work to keep Tenka alive too, but he needs that honesty to be able to do so. That's...all they really need, to go back to where they were before, isn't it?]

To have my honesty in the future, you'd need my honesty about the past, right?

[He gives that up pretty willingly. If Sousei wants Tenka to talk about things with him in the future, there's a lot to cover in the past ten years. In the past ten years, Tenka has willingly continued to take the Orochi medicine in order to maintain mobilization, watched over his younger brothers and tried to find ways to separate the Orochi from the vessel, and also added one more to their family in the form of Kinjou Shirasu.

In the future, there will be obstacles like Tenka possibly giving into the Orochi cells in his body or becoming paralyzed, actually having to deal with Soramaru as the Orochi, and the eventual reappearance of Shirasu in Tenka's life. None of those can really be discussed in full without knowing the things that led to them in the first place.

So Tenka just sighs.

He's not good at sharing. Botan was the one who came up to him to talk about helping his goal and otherwise he never would've brought it up with her. It's always just been him and Shirasu - ever since Sousei and the rest of the Yamainu left. Because the things in Tenka's life are truly painful and he knows it.

Every single time something like this comes up - when they talk about the real reason why Tenka left the Yamainu, when Sousei gets closer to finding out more about the experiments, when Tenka opens his mouth to talk about the things that happened to him - it causes Sousei pain.

If he shares the truth with Sousei, he'll just be causing his partner more pain because of decisions that Tenka made in the past.

All he can do is snort softly.]

.... You're going to get mad at me.

[Possibly hate him, think he's a monster, discover just how far his foolishness goes-]

What do you want to know?

[In a way, he's honestly relieved by that answer. Tenka's willing to open up to him, to tell him all of the things that he missed while they were apart, and to be sincere with him about things in the future. That's already an improvement from where they were, dancing around these issues and discussing things only when there was no possible way to avoid them. That's not partnership.

(And Sousei knows that to avoid being a hypocrite, he will also have to share what he and the Yamainu went through over those ten years, but for right now, Tenka's story is the more important of the two. Later. It will come, later.)

He'll get mad, Tenka says, which honestly causes Sousei to snort, expression vaguely amused. Of course he will. He had never doubted it. Tenka made dumb decisions all the time, and Sousei got irritated about said decisions all the time. It was their dynamic. It was why Sousei had to be by his side.

So his expression doesn't shift from that amusement, even as he responds easily enough--]

I am already mad at you.

[QUITE FRANKLY--HE IS. Has been for ages. But he's not so angry that he won't talk to Tenka anymore. He's not so angry that he doesn't want anything to do with him. No, he's just mad--at his foolishness, at Sousei's own foolishness, and at their lack of understanding of this whole situation.

...But where to start...he supposes he has to start at the beginning.]

I...assume you began taking that medication after your injury. [He'd never known what the doctors were doing...why hadn't he questioned it more? (He'd just been so relieved...)]

You don't make it easy to want to tell you things.

[To be honest. But if Sousei's going to get sassy then it's kind of just Tenka's natural response to return fire. Though... well, the amusement is a nice change from the stillness of his expression earlier. It's enough to get Tenka's shoulders to relax a bit and he sighs.

Despite everything else he'd been through, now is when the smile drops. This is where the pain really starts and there is no happiness in this part of the story. He could find things to smile and joke about later, even days later, when he's with his brothers and without the Yamainu. But in this part of the story there's is nothing but-]

It was really painful.... but I suppose that's expected when you receive an injury that would normally kill you. [Subconsciously, he straightens and sits up, as if the scar on his back had its own weight and he refuses to slump from it now.] They gave me the first dose of medicine when I was unconscious, I think... and it saved my life.

[He raises his left arm then, holding it in front of him and staring at the faux bracelet on his wrist.]

But I couldn't move my left side, not my hands, my feet, the left side of my mouth, nothing. [He remembers that, laying flat on the table and his own speech - what words he had the strength to try to muster - was difficult to decipher and only his right side could grip the edge of the operating table when the pain hit.] So they gave me more.

[They gave it to him. He didn't ask for it. There was never a choice.]

.... It was stiff, but eventually I could start moving my left side again. Little by little.

[He opens and closes his left hand, an easy movement now but - back then, not so much.]

Edited 2014-12-04 20:05 (UTC)

[Shut up, Tenka, he's been super patient about this...!!

But that actually explains a lot. It explains why Tenka immediately went along with it--he hadn't had a choice, and it had just been the only way to keep him alive. In which case...it's not all bad either. Though it's also certainly not good.

... Nothing is ever as clear-cut as he would like it to be, apparently. Because that's difficult to swallow. Without the cells, Tenka would have died. With them, Tenka is going to die, sooner, possibly in a horribly cruel way... Sousei frowns slightly, but aside from that, he simply nods.]

I understand. Go on.

[He's gotten the reasoning for Tenka leaving the Yamainu, in bits and pieces--for his brothers, because he didn't want to be a burden... so Sousei will move on to what might be less painful. (But is still so very important.)]

That is when you decided to act as a gatekeeper? [Honestly, that's what Tenka basically was, ferrying criminals and catching them too.]

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